Jacki Dilley -- Thoughts on Therapy

Invitation to a Great Blog

2010-09-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

I recently had the honor of writing an article for a thoughtful, well-written blog called simplyminded. The author, Dave Thielen, writes about clearing away the excess that clogs up our lives and prevents us from living out our values.

Dave writes on such things as the lessons to be learned from drinking tea, resources for starting a low-overhead online business, and practical ideas for cultivating more happiness. Sit down and take a look at his blog, and leave some comments.

The post I wrote for him is How to Get Started Meditating. Leave comments for me, too!

Overcoming Obstacles

2010-08-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."
--The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

I met a lovely young woman a while back, 30-something, single mom, wonderfully wicked sense of humor. You would never guess that 6 years ago, she was, in her words, a “lady drunk.” Alcoholism runs on both sides of her family. Growing up with family violence fueled by drinking, Carrie swore, as most children of alcoholics do, that she would never turn into a drunk, never make her own kids have to go what she went through.

And, in many ways, she succeeded. She never missed work because of drinking. She has never laid a hand on her children or allowed anyone else to, either. One very unusual evening, as she generally drank by herself, Carrie and some friends got wasted at a bar, and she got into a fist-fight with another customer. She spent a couple of weeks in jail thinking about where she was taking her life, and decided to start going to AA when she got out.

Carrie has done a one-eighty since that time. She took a number of parenting classes, got herself and the kids out of a deteriorating home environment before things got ugly, went back to school, and remains generously active in AA. Only one problem: she lost her job over a year ago, and hasn’t been able to find anything since.

It’s not for lack of looking. It’s her jail record. She’s very matter-of-fact about all this: “I hit that girl, I deserved to go to jail, and thank God I did or I probably wouldn’t be sober today. It’s just that… man…..I just about had this one job. I told them everything, they were cool with it, then the whole thing fell through. For about the 8th time.”

Any employer would be lucky to get Carrie. She wants to work.

She's a great believer in accepting what is. Since getting sober, she has seen desolate situations turn into opportunities when she lets go and remembers that she is not alone with her problems.

So readers, what do you think? Do you have any ideas to pass along?

Right Livelihood: Veterans Farm

2010-08-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

Under the best of conditions it’s difficult to find and maintain work. Imagine trying to do so while learning to adjust to a closed head injury, post-traumatic stress disorder, and a feeling of alienation from the culture in which you grew up.

This is the experience of a huge percentage of veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. The rate of unemployment in this group is 10%, one-third of the homeless population are veterans, and 20% of suicides in the United States are committed by veterans.

Veterans Farm, an organic blueberry farm in the Jacksonville area of Florida, takes a life-affirming approach to empowering disabled veterans to heal, return to work, and reintegrate into American society. It was begun by Adam Burke, a veteran who came back from Iraq with PTSD and a closed head injury. Seeking to come to terms with his disabilities and wartime experiences, he remembered peaceful and satisfying work on his family’s farm growing up. He realized “horticulture therapy” provided an ideal environment for rehabilitation, and talked his wife into buying a small farm.

With the help of Michael O’Gorman, an organic farmer with the Farmer-Veteran Coalition, he started growing blueberries on 2 1/2 acres, got 5 other veterans on board, and began collaborating with other organizations. They now have 8 additional acres and a 14-week program in place that provides a stipend to the veterans while they learn farming skills. They will also be able to ease back into the social rhythms of civilian society by selling berries at farmers markets, to local stores, and at the farm. And work with plants re-develops gross and fine motor skills and eye-hand coordination lost to closed head injuries.

Other reasons why farming is uniquely suited to veterans returning to a troubled economy is that 45% of the military come from rural areas. Farming is one of the few growth industries in the current economy. Two farmers retire for every new one entering the field, and they are all desperate to hire skilled workers.

Veterans continuing to serve through growing healthy food for us and educating the public about sustainable organic farming. Demonstrating that life can still flourish after trauma and injury that only another veteran can really understand. Abundance happens!

Working With Worry

2010-08-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

A friend writes:

"I don’t know about you, but I can get pulled in pretty easily sometimes by thoughts masquerading as Reality. The feelings they generate can be so intense, so compelling, that, without realizing it, I’m caught up in knowing that that this is how it is and how it ever shall be.

"I might be having a good day, feeling secure in the abundance that surrounds us. Then the television starts yammering about the economy. Except it’s not really talking about the economy, it’s talking about Drama. If I stepped back and thought about it, I’d realize, “Oh, this is supposed to get me worked up and sucked in by god-awful stories until the commercials come on.” But instead, I watch, I get anxious, I begin to generate images of going under. I won’t be able to pay my bills. There will be no one to help me. I’ll become a bag lady. And so on.

"One problem here is that my bag lady meditation doesn’t lead to constructive action to assist real-life homeless people, or people without health insurance, or people who’ve lost their jobs and are putting their living expenses on credit cards. That is perhaps the biggest problem with cultivating the belief that there will not be enough for me: it cuts me off from the very people I could be working with to create better situations for all of us.

"I ran across a newspaper article that gave me some realistic, exciting ideas about how we can positively impact the economic crisis. It spoke about everyday people volunteering their time and talents to help unemployed folks find jobs. I need to be involved with efforts like that for my mental health. I need reminders that we aren’t alone, and that people team up together all the time and solve substantial problems. I also need to enjoy my volunteer activities, or else I won’t keep up with them. It’s fun to work with others, much more fun than sitting by myself watching re-runs of my bag lady movies."

Mindfulness and Work

2010-08-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

Here in Michigan, our unemployment rate is first in the nation at 14.9%. Yikes. Lots of people are staying in jobs that they might otherwise leave. So what do you do if your job requires you to do the work of two or more people, your pay has been cut, you’re way underemployed?

Martha, for one, is using her less-than-optimal job as an opportunity to do the work she’s really interested in: “my personality overhaul,” as she puts it. A self-described “worry wort,” her impressive stress-generation skills led her to begin meditating a few years ago. Her anxiety began to go down, and she started feeling much more comfortable around people.

As she developed a daily routine of “following her breath,” simply paying attention to how her chest feels as it rises and falls, she began noticing. Noticing? Noticing what?

“Well, I just notice things a lot more than I used to. Wait — that sounds lame. What I mean is, I used to go in my office at work and shut the door. I would stay in there all morning. It’s so awful down there. Everybody’s so depressed. I really have no idea if I’m going to get laid off in three months or not. But I noticed last week I don’t shut my door any more. I’m still worried, but I’m realizing that everyone else is, too.

“I’m talking to people now. What does that have to do with the meditation? Maybe nothing, I don’t know. It’s just that before, I never thought much about what people were thinking. But lately I’m paying more attention to the expressions on people’s faces. I’m learning things about people that I had no idea were going on.

“It’s too bad, because half of us will be gone by the end of the year, and I’m just now starting to get to know people. I like them a lot. Well, even if I never see most of them again, I’m glad I’m going out this way, instead of staying holed up in my office.

“And that, to me, is what it's all about.”

Mindfulness

2010-08-20T07:06:00.000-07:00

Whatever is important to us deserves our careful and compassionate attention. Mindfulness, the practice of paying close attention, can enhance and enlighten every area of our lives.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, the pioneer of mind-body medicine, defines mindfulness in his classic book Full Catastrophe Living this way:

“Simply put, mindfulness is moment-to-moment awareness. It is cultivated by purposefully paying attention to things we ordinarily never give a moment’s thought to. It is a systematic approach to developing new kinds of control and wisdom in our lives, based on our inner capacities for relaxation, paying attention, awareness, and insight.”

There’s probably no better way to learn to live more mindfully than to develop a regular meditation practice. I’m going to give you some simple instructions, and also refer you to this beautiful video of meditation master Thich Nhat Hanh teaching mindfulness.

Since your breath is always with you, this method of “observing your breath” is a good starting point. Sit up as straight as you comfortably can and close your eyes, or look at one spot on the floor about three feet in front of you. Find a spot in your upper body where you can distinctly feel yourself breathing. This might be in your diaphragm area, your chest, or your nostrils. Now, just pay attention to your breath naturally coming in and out of your body. Don’t try to breathe deeply; some of your breaths will be short and light, others will be longer and deep.

That’s it. Oh, one other thing. Your mind will definitely wander all over, and, if you’re like 98% of people, you’ll get mad at yourself for this, or feel that you aren’t doing it “right.” The wandering thoughts happen to everyone. The Dalai Lama even says it happens to him. When you notice it, just gently bring your attention back to your breath.

Try to start out meditating 3 to 5 days a week for 5 to 15 minutes, and gradually work up to 5 days a week for 30 minutes. Since you will no doubt come up with questions, look for a group of people in your area who meditate, and join them. It is much easier to keep your meditation going with the support of other people. If you can’t find a local group, do a Google search for an online support system.

Readers — please comment!

1. Do you meditate or practice any other form of mindfulness? Please tell us about your experiences with it.

Mindfulness and Money

2010-08-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

The ways we spend and don’t spend money have such rich information about the real issue: our internal landscapes, and the places where they intersect with the outer world.

You’re standing in a store. You see something you want. Here is an opportunity to mindfully tend and water your internal landscape.

Move out of the aisle into a quiet spot, so you can consciously breathe a few times. Go into the rest room if you feel self-conscious. Now, find where it is in your body that you want. It may be a watering in your mouth, a warmth rising up your neck to your face.

This sensation is not good or bad. There is no need to figure out if the sensation is telling you “buy” or “don’t buy.” Your only job is to notice that this is what your body is creating in response to this desire, today, in this store.

Now see if any statements come into your mind:

The kids need this.

The kids would like this.

"You spend too much!"

I never get to have anything!

I should get this.

"You don’t need this."

Check in again with your body. What are you feeling now, in your chest, your gut, your arms, your face?

There is no hidden agenda here of “spend less money, you over-consumer!” You may, in fact, do well to spend more, especially on certain things. How can you know how much to spend if you don’t know your internal landscape? Right now, we just want to see what’s there. You’ll learn how to access your own internal wisdom to guide you in spending decisions. If there is any “agenda,” it would be to learn to give yourself what truly satisfies you.

Readers, please comment:

What was your immediate reaction, physical, emotional, or mental, to this meditation?
Did you try it? If so, what happened for you?

Overspending: A Map That Tells Us Where We Need Healing

2010-08-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

Since overspending and debt problems are so prevalent in our country, let’s take a non-judgmental look at this topic. When your relationship with money involves overspending, worry and shame preoccupy you throughout your day. You can’t be present to other people, your work, or your efforts to relax when you carry too much debt, as overspenders usually do. But overspending can become the means of self-transformation if you stop haranguing yourself and instead start to figure out what is driving you to self-destruct in this way.

What might be going on within you? Many people come into adulthood never having had the opportunity to learn productive ways to deal with problems. You may feel insecure at a deep level; overspenders are often trying to fill an inner sense of emptiness. You may be trying to drown out ghosts from the past, including early trauma, with the intense feelings that come with recreational spending. Any kind of compulsive behavior is a distraction: if you weren’t overspending, what unpleasant things might come to your awareness?

In his excellent book Money, Heart and Mind, William Bloom talks about relative deprivation. Our sense of “being ok” and “normal” is strongly related to looking like other people. Unless we have a firm grounding in something like our family, community, or spirituality, most of us feel a deeply distressing sense of relative deprivation when we see others enjoying things we cannot afford. Much advertising is expressly designed to intensify this sense of desire and dissatisfaction.

There may even be biological factors involved in overspending. One of the identifying symptoms of the illness of bipolar disorder is a periodic uncontrollable drive to spend vast amounts of money, whether you have it or not. Many of us who are not bipolar are “hard-wired” to feel emotions so intensely that unless we learn ways to manage everyday stressors, we require strong distractions or sedatives to help us handle things that don’t seem to rattle other people.

Depressed yet? Don’t be. These are all solvable problems. Many good, decent people struggle with these issues and find ways to overcome them. It is of utmost importance to treat yourself gently and with compassion if you are an overspender. The very thing that seems like your greatest flaw becomes the means to your freedom if you let the problem tell you about what hurts within you.

Sadness, Grief, or Depression?

2010-08-01T21:50:00.000-07:00

There are important differences between sadness, grief, and depression, and each one calls for a different response.

Sadness is a normal, healthy part of life. Many things cause it: disappointments, losing something important, negative thoughts, and so forth. We often want to just get rid of sadness or avoid it by distracting ourselves. Unfortunately, this makes it last longer and even makes the problem worse. The best thing we can do when we get sad is to let ourselves feel it and know that it will pass on its own.

Grief is also a normal part of life. When we lose someone important through death or divorce, we go through grieving. The terrible sadness we feel shows how important that person was to us. If we don't push grief away, it also will pass, and we will no longer feel so empty. Grief after a death lasts a long time, so it is important to have caring people to talk with.

Depression is a medical illness. Even though it feels almost just like sadness or grief, the brain and brain chemistry are involved in a very different way. Unlike sadness or grief, depression does not go away naturally. Someone with depression may feel worse when well-meaning loved ones say to cheer up, because the person is biologically unable to do so. Medication may help, and is often used only temporarily. It is not a “crutch,” but more like taking thyroid medication.

Understanding these differences helps in finding good solutions. Since it can be so difficult to tell which is which, see a therapist or a doctor if you feel concerned.

Building Self-Esteem: Seeing Your True Self

2010-03-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

Most of us grapple with self-esteem to some degree. You may even feel that something is fundamentally wrong with you. If you lack self-esteem, how do you get it? How can you feel good about yourself when you don't feel good about yourself?

Self-esteem comes naturally and without effort as you develop the ability to see yourself clearly. When you get down to the true foundation of yourself, your essence, you are whole. At our core, we are all pure and wise people. At our essence, we know that we are good, and that things are deeply ok. This is still true even if it doesn't feel true. Bringing this to mind, especially when things are hard, builds your self-esteem.

At our deepest level, we feel our interconnection with all life and understand that we spring from the source of growth and regeneration that underlies all things. The greeting "Namaste" refers to this -- "I honor the Sacred within you."

If you don't feel very sacred at the moment, think about the fact that something within you knows how to heal up a cut on your hand. It knew how to get you to crawl and learn language when you were a baby. Your body and your mind know how to do these things.

It is amazing what we humans do all day, every day. Without even trying, you operate a delicately balanced system that takes in food and coverts it into chemicals that move all around your body to keep you alive. That very brain of yours that can drive you crazy with worries and irritability and blue moods also processes multiple levels of sensory input and issues instructions at the speed of light. How could you do anything but admire that person?

If you want to do something concrete to build your self-esteem, get out your paper and pen. Start writing about the incredible things your body and brain do: knowing how to breathe and what to do with oxygen, blinking to keep your eyes from drying out, growing new toenails. If this feels like an artificial exercise, do it anyway! And thank your body and your mind for doing each thing that you write down. Do this every day for the next three weeks, and see what happens to your self-esteem.

Please post comments about what happens when you try out these ideas!

The Dragon in the Window

2010-02-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

There is a Zen story about an old, eccentric Chinese monk who collected dragons. Throughout his life, he collected them: jade, wood, 2 inches high, 6 inches high. He loved his dragons. With great gusto, he would show them to visitors and tell the stories of his exquisite treasures.

Then, one day, a real dragon came and looked in the window of the monk’s hut. What do you think the old man did when he saw it? He fainted!

We all collect stories. Take money stories, for example. If only I had more money, I would be happy. I need to worry about money, because there will never be enough, especially in this economy. I’m a trust-fund baby. I should be able to have what I want, and since I don’t have the money, I will have to pull out my credit card.

I once worked with a man named Jake, whose story was that he was just plain incapable of earning a decent living. Because of this, he reasoned, he was a failure as a man. But at the same time, he was not about to become a typical entitled American who was way too concerned about getting more money. Jake was by no means a failure. Very bright and insightful, he was a natural teacher of gifted kids at an alternative school. He came to therapy when he decided he might as well become acquainted with his dragon. At first, our conversations were usually on the intellectual side. One day, though, he started talking about his father, and whap! That dragon’s tail caught him right across the head!

Jake’s father was a hard act to follow in the financial arena. A successful businessman, he made a great deal of money in a job he didn’t care for. Throughout his younger years, Jake heard over and over how you need to work hard and earn lots of money, and how unenjoyable that was going to be. Not that his father actually said these things; the message came across through his irritability, long hours at work, and subtle complaints about the business. At the same time, Jake felt his parents loved him, and he could tell that his father deeply valued seeing to it that his family would never go without.

When Jake was 13, his parents divorced. As Dad was the designated Bad Guy and had limited contact with the kids, Jake’s development of a career vision got sidetracked. He did well in college, but felt at loose ends when he graduated. Eventually, he got a teaching certificate, and had little trouble finding work at progressive, exciting schools that paid peanuts.

When Jake started treatment, he was embarrassed that he didn’t earn enough money to pay for his therapy on his own; he was using money he inherited from his father, who had died the previous year. He felt strange about this, as he resented what he described as his father’s preference for money over people. Coming to terms with his dragon helped him acknowledge and let go of feeling superior to his father, and to find real pride within himself about ways he was like his father. He also came to feel grateful that his father’s money allowed him to obtain additional education that led to a better-paying job. By the end of his therapy, he no longer felt funny about his father “paying” for his treatment. Instead, he felt his dad would be pleased to be able to provide his son with this gift of healing.

Four Excellent Books on Your Relationship With Money

2009-08-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

Every culture organizes itself around certain priorites: religion, the community, the quest for knowledge are a few examples. Here in the United States, it's safe to say that money and material things are at the top of the list.

This is neither good nor bad; it is just how things are in this present time. Since we all work, love, play, and make choices in the context of our culture, wouldn't it be useful to deeply examine our relationship with this powerful cultural priority?

Do something good for yourself today by starting to read one of these books. I find them especially useful in exploring my own relationship with money.

Money, Heart and Mind by William Bloom

The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist

Money and the Meaning of Life by Jacob Needleman

The Seven Stages of Money Maturity by George Kinder